Not of a broke heart as the picture misleads. You see, the way I want to describe how I feel is sort of like a pup who must find his way back home or to a place where solace resides. The road or place where he strayed was easy to arrive at. Now that he tries to go back, there are more obstacles, needs an experiences the pup needs to encounter and deal with… sounds like that animated movie Bolt that John Travolta voice acts for (yes it the dog bolt). There are missing elements of my story and the movie that admittedly makes it a perfect fit, like how ignorant we both are to the world outside of our social circle. For one I wish to say that my pieces are again remnants of what I miss. I don’t miss much at all… once it’s gone or I leave it, it’s gone for me. I don’t care about it. If it comes back it must come a new. However there are things or elements of my life I put on hold, archived for later use. Maybe the picture says the same story. Those pieces of heart were never truly gone, just separated to help focus on something more important. Who knows??? Today is my dads birthday, this week I do something again… differently. A new chapter starts this weekend for me and where I want to get to is a world of bliss where I can do what makes me happy again. Just a little more time to gather myself like the terminator’s nemesis or get back home with bolt. Except it’ll take a better me… to get home and live in my paradise.
So I’m here at this event, patiently waiting for my friend whose birthday is today. I’m not sure what to make at my life right now. I should probably explain what am I doing at a pretty cool event, typing on WordPress, about to semi-vent, thinking about my life. A lot of comma’s for that last sentence. When you have time you should use it wisely or lose out on what you could do now by doing it later. One of the things I like to do is perform introspection. What area of my life am I thinking of? Of course this about my writing life and about how I can create something I am content with (near 100% satisfaction because face it, perfection is impossible especially when pleasing me) and something a decent enough amount of people or Stephen king-like-population would like. It’s been say 3 years or so since I’ve embarked on this journey and I must say it’s been a roller coaster when I had a plethora of time. Imagine now when I don’t have the eternal time to be stuck in my minds limbo spaghetti like ball of chaotic thoughts. I have made sense of them all, as if my brain is a moving museum or shifting house of rooms and hallways. I. Always. know. Where. To. Go. But why am I always lost when it comes to what I know. Hinderance, responsibility, lack of time. Those are hot topics for Sean the governing body of what is Oliver, the writer of whom controls this page. Let’s not think that there is some kind of split personality or alter ego that writes what I write. It’s fun and pen names give me that kind of power. It’s like can Bruce Wayne be Batman? Or can Batman be Bruce Wayne? There are certain things they must do independently. And there are certain things that must be done together. I think they self-sustain themselves together in a symbiotic relationship. Obviously in a physical sense they need each other, but mentally, spiritually and of course more so morally. They drive each other to convince the other they are not crazy nor allowed to doubt the sense of justified injustice that is being performed every other night. I wish I had that, maybe I would be a richer person or more driven to the point I could ignore what master Sean wants providing exactly what Oliver needs. And what Oliver needs is plenty of time and peace to continue to thrive in Sean’s presence because he actually likes him. I’m having fun thinking about this alternate way of how I am thinking about this dilemma. We like it. So now guess what? I’ve laid out what it is the writer is feeling. Mostly. And I cannot complain except for the fact it isn’t everything. It will never be everything. And that’s the sucky part. Sean is private as fuck. Oliver wants to tell it all. And if he knew Sean’s thoughts then you’d know both of us. But then Oliver’s reason to exist would be null and void. Oliver needs that mask that is Sean to exist. What’s the issue? We don’t know how to cope with everything else that isn’t us. That’s a bad thing. And I don’t know what to make of it because I don’t know how to not be self-centered. There are people that I don’t know who are like ahh cool. And people that know me that are like I know what he saying remotely.
So how many times can I begin to end?
Only to start time and time again…
So, how many times can I reborn my life?
A Phoenix cyclically rebirths itself,
Making its bed among the ashes,
amidst a violent death, self-slaughter or…
The beautiful nightmare of an eternal sleep
This reoccurrence of this quagmire, this glitch
Will it become the phenomena of the millennia
Will the blaze of my existence be realized today
The future holds me prisoner and the irony,
My insecurities secure me, my faults gravity
My feet still lifts above the earth, I still stand
The pressure of life at the Alpha mark,
A strenuous ideal. I cry out once more to be;
Yes to be. Let me be again until I die tomorrow
To be until the past remembers me no more.
Let me be to my futures content. I am here again just to be what I choose to be.
I’ve hid away from my love for quite some time
I haven’t dreamt for so long, it seems she’s been away
There was a moment in my life where I needed her
And she awaited with open arms, I still walked away.
Still, sitting there she’d use her many colors to woo,
Knowing and hoping that I might explore her once again
To no avail, she watched me walk away in pain,
with open arms she had, I still walked away.
She never asked why I never thought of her like I used to
Was I bored of her? She thought.
Was she everything I dreamt of, I always saved her
Tried to change her for the better, for us.
She too tried to change me so she could be read with love.
It’s been awhile, I haven’t traced her curves
It’s been awhile, I have not pressed her buttons
It’s been awhile, I have been coerced by life
So much so her art was not my wife.
Still she says, pleading to be remembered.
Just like in my dreams, she knows where she resides
My heart and mind, my hands and eyes.
I desire to get back to her, because it’s been awhile.
Atop these heights, the pinnacle of pink matter
Mind over it, a divisive equation that only makes the answer fatter
Astute with a soupçon of whatever inside the olive grants
Memory, a gig or two won’t help. A terabyte? A Peta? Cue the fans
One must think on their feet, situations for choice, multiplicity
Act out the now, process the future, contingencies and all, at the speed of electricity.
With time knowledge grows and understanding becomes more patient
New vessels that can learn faster and quantify more happens in the nanoseconds, because we lost our patience.
DREM (DURING RAPID EYE MOVEMENT)
The ideas that role around my sleep are…
Fictitious in nature. Vapor of the salty and
Quench-less that is reality. My pink matter…
Trolls me knowing I want what is, though artistry,
Really a chimera. Somewhere between life and
Simulation lies my resolution; 4K platters of
Mixed memories centrifuged then fused,
Perfused into the best moments of life,
Large dose VS the small drips of the more
Beautifully grotesque constructs;
The building materials? Remorse and
The forgotten can be never lost, happiness
Seldom stays. Yet this gorgeous dream,
This seductive mirage of thoughts somehow…
Relives “me” through my loss and helps me
In my future.
I find solace in myself amidst the war outside… My troubles are close and my dreams await in peace outside of my grasp…
Solitude and confinement eases the mind and tempts the heart
Jovial accords instill ignorance to my reality
Live in the moment or die in the abyss, two halves of a circle twisted
Infinity now, live in the abyss and die in the moment
That’s more like it, that’s more like it, now it makes sense
I usually put a picture… I don’t know what happened why right now a picture isn’t needed. Well hello my followers, passerbyers and WordPress audience! The summer is upon us and I have some news! First off, I am having another son! Yay! He is due in about a month and he will come out when he feels like it!😂😂😂 His name? Myself and the misses are still pondering on it, but I’m sure we will come up with something. So far the baby is healthy and he will be a great addition to our growing family. My one year old needs a playmate other than ourselves! Secondly, that would mean my wife will spend her summer in NY. Sadly, it would mean she will be away from me. She will get more help from her family than from me due to my work schedule. We don’t know anyone where we are that will help her here so? Going back home is the most logical thing for her where her and my parents can help her with time and my other son. I’m not too happy about it and neither is she; such is life. Sacrifices are made for what we want and what we strive for. That piece of news was too sad, so let’s attach some more news to this. The third newsflash would mean I would have idle hands except that I won’t. I am planning to use the time to do a number of things. I am nearing towards the publishing stages of my first novel, so I need to do some research on that process. It is currently being edited and it is almost finished! Yay me! I get to pour some time into my fashion novel which is almost finished as well! After that I will take a week or two to edit my novella, then start and possibly finish my other novel, named White Sea (Unofficial title). So my hands will be full between that and work and visiting my family on the weekends (I forgot about that little tidbit). I hope I can get this accomplished this year. It’s been a rocky journey and even rockier life. I hope to accomplish my dreams. Other than that, I will keep the community updated, thanks for your eyes and your time, until the next post!
“What are you doing… why would they do this? They don’t wish to share eternity, they wish to horde and act as the master of our race. But who will keep them in check? Lack of desire? Who is to stop them when they feel threatened? Why would they think to keep us subdued by the very thing they casted away? And that’s why I say hello” he had new way of thinking, once he drank from the pool that is the ethereal.
He heard their conversations and only one knew he was part of their network; Alfus. The rest couldn’t hear, the phenomena was either strange or they were too busy avoiding fighters trying to shoot their recoverable bodies to shreds. Their focus was too great, maybe. Alfus did something that took much energy for the sake of his comrades. He teleported. Now in his cell he was cut off due to his weakness and his body was crippled and shriveled like over cooked tube strips. This wasn’t death, but only a reminder that he couldn’t die. Not now. He rested while the station that surrounded him were in war. As he came back to normal with in 15 minutes, the elder who drank from the pool noticed him. With great speed he ran up the stairs pushing without care the very people he was to protect. They died on impact from his blood lust.
Out in space the fighters were having a hard time shooting down the rest of the eternals. The targets too small and their lasers and guns too weak to pierce what they deemed a force field. The pack were within minutes of the station. Alfus now drawing energy from them at a full 100percent. He ran to the docks where he would meet his friends, the rendezvous point. The one who drank, finally reaching Alfus.
“You are selfish. Hold eternity for yourself and dare to keep the stars as friends. What about us who reach for such glory?”
Alfus responded, “glory? Stars? This is a curse. I don’t want live forever, I never wanted this. Death doesn’t want me, the one prize, the one goal of men who were tired of living through pain… my friends and family are gone lost to the earth, unmentioned in history’s pages. You don’t want this.”
“I…” The elder said, before long the pack showed up.
“We could only, faintly sense him. He drank, but not enough. He will collapse. He isn’t compatible; his purpose unworthy.”
Alfus looked at him, ” you have a choice to make. Save our race. Or kill them all. We are incapable of reproduction.”
And then it happened. His choice decided the fate of his kind. Alfus, watched the elder go supernova. The thing that was holding the people of earth back, now gone. They were free to walk with eternity, free to feel.
This conclude the pansting series of five. I hope you all enjoyed it! More updates to come!